Showing vs telling. Meet James.

James is one of the characters in my WIP which is a zombie apocalypse novel.  His buddy Levi just ticked off the soldiers and is causing a scene.  The book is told from Levi’s POV and this is what he could have seen…

James wasn’t even trying to fight. (old version)

and this is what Levi actually saw…

“It was his idea.”  How James could remain calm while he was eating dirt was a mystery.  He just laid there and took it.  Blood came from his mouth and tears from his eyes, yet he still tried to make them see reason.  “I had nothing to do with it.  It was a stupid idea…a joke…ow!”  Even his ‘ow’ wasn’t desperate; it was more like, an ‘excuse my mister, your standing on my foot’ than a ‘get off me before you break my arm’  which was exactly what it looked like.

To Levi’s astonishment, the soldier holding down his friend let up some… (new version)

Which one do you like better?  How many of those do you have in your book.  Clean em up, show em off and write that next best seller!

I have a bunch of telling to fix.



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